How To Severely Annoy Your Girlfriend

I would like you to treat this as an instruction manual. These are tried and true methods to annoy your girlfriend and get away with it at the same time . The trick is that each of my methods are annoying enough to rustle her jimmies, but not enough to warrant a breakup. Do Not repeat these frequently.

1. Girlfriends are very programmable. First you must prep your girlfriend by calmly introducing swag into your vocabulary. Replace certain descriptive nouns, such as the following: these eggs have too much swag. You will start to mildly aggravate her with your childishness and she may even think you have taken a good hit to the head recently. After a few conversations like this, just enough to get her acclimated, you drop the secret weapon. S.W.A.G., which stands for sex with a girl. Now you must confuse her endlessly with your usage of swag. The phrase “Having so much swag makes my pants sag” takes on a whole new meaning. One day it may mean you are impersonating your favorite rapper, the next it means “I’m the man in the downstairs”, naw meen.

2. When spending a significant amount of time away from your girlfriend (at least 3 weeks) start growing the manliest of beards. Resist any urges to trim or untangle, as the beard must acquire a tentacle-like appearance. When she first meets you she will be horrified by your similarity to a caveman, but miss you too much to avoid contact. Make sure your hairy tentacles obstruct her general vision and access to your mouth as she tries to have an intimate moment. To really rub it in you may want to apply the beard burn technique. Make like you’re altering the angle at which you aim to kiss her, but really rub your beard in her face. You must be man enough to not let her forcefully shave you in advance or this technique will not work.

3. This next one requires a kitten or another cute animal of your choice and a phone conversation. You must give your kitten a sexy name (like Alexia) before you call your girlfriend. Immediately let her know that you met this wonderful individual named Alexia and she is quickly becoming the love of your life and things aren’t working out between the two of you. When your girlfriend starts asking questions and raging also imply that it cost $125 to bring Alexia home for the night. Just as the girlfriend is really about to lose it, get Alexia to meow over the phone. This will have her cute senses raised enough to not immediately continue with calling you a scumbag.

4. If you happen to sleep together occasionally (or all the time) this one’s for you. First stage signs of deep sleep, breathe slowly and adjust your body in fluid motions when necessary. Once your girlfriend has settled down, mutter as if having a disturbing dream and roll over a couple of times in order to wrap the sheets around you. If she wakes you up or asks you about it the next day, stage signs of deep regret and concern. Then continue to steal the sheets at least 5 times in a row. After that, “cure” yourself of your sheet stealing syndrome and let her know that you must have made yourself mentally aware of your actions because your love for her runs deep. How’s that for sneaky. Note that a true master will be able to steal sheets in his sleep.

What if the girlfriend starts to retaliate with sneak attacks of her own? Hmmm I must think about this.

5. Remember all those times your girlfriend took a really long time to get ready?  Let’s say you have a dinner date and your girl is running a couple minutes late with her hair and makeup. Take a good book (or your phone) and plop down on the toilette for some quality me time. She will finally be ready and come looking for you. Don’t open the bathroom door immediately and let her know that you are “doing a better job of grooming and beautifying yourself”, just as she had asked (even if she didn’t ask I don’t think any girl will complain about that). In reality you can condition her to be responsible for keeping both of you on time, while slowly annoying her  in the process. Double win for you right?

If you got this far thanks for reading! Many thanks to my girlfriend for putting up with my constant goofiness and need to mess with her (true story I have pulled some of these on her). In case you think I’m mean to women or anything like that, you can check out some of my more serious articles covering the need for gender equality and some of the vital roles women play in our society.

What is one prank you would pull on your significant other if you could get away with it? Let me know in the comments! Also I love to hear your thoughts in general, so leave a reply if anything crosses your mind.

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