Lately I’ve been pondering the darker side of dating culture. The less talked about side where people feel left out while the rest of the world around them runs through relationship after relationship. The negative side of dating where someone has built up intense romantic or sexual desires, but seemingly no one wants to take part in that experience. It can be a soul crushing feeling and for some it is a momentary feeling while for others it has become a describing factor of their entire life. Being someone who weighs the pros and cons of every situation, I’d like to think that there is some additional perspective on the feeling of being forever alone that can help ease the tension. All aspects of life have a scale by which perspectives can be balanced on, and the dating scene is no different. While some people are on one extreme side where they run through partners like flies, the other extreme endures extended periods of isolation that can be quite depressing. These aren’t defining characteristics of people necessarily, just momentary descriptions of the current state of affairs regarding their dating life. I’ve gathered some thoughts on feeling forever alone and hopefully this can help any of you who are suffering from this feeling right now.
Considering The Flip Side
The first thing to consider is that not everyone is worth your time and that holds regardless of whether you’re feeling forever alone or not. Having multiple people displaying interest in you may be a nice ego boost, but it doesn’t necessarily translate into a fully positive experience.
1) Many people are superficial. They can use you for their own purposes and then leave you high and dry.
2) Not all attention is good attention. What about all the stalkers and harassers out there?
3) Getting attention doesn’t necessarily mean the person you desire is giving you attention. You can have many people seeking you out while you truly desire someone else who is still ignoring you or oblivious.
4) Some people turn out to be shit partners and you may only realize that once you start the relationship.
5) Relationships are full of struggles, heartbreak, and compromise even if it’s the best relationship in the world. It’s hard to envision the level of compromise needed to sustain a meaningful relationship from the standpoint of simply desiring one without experience. It can demoralize you as much as being lonely can.
6) The search for Mr. or Mrs. Right doesn’t end just because you enter the dating scene. The struggle of feeling alone often continues as you date different people to find out if people you are interested in actually make good partners for you.
7) Heartbreak sucks as well and there’s plenty of that in the dating scene.
Even if you feel like you’re missing out and it’s killing you on the inside, think about some of the consequences of actually dating people. It’s not all that rosy as some people would want you to believe. Getting your heart broken through a devastating breakup or having a one night stand who “doesn’t think you’re relationship material” are things that are glossed over in the dating hype.
In some sense of the term, people who are forever alone really can’t be high risk takers when it comes to relationships. Otherwise the problem would be easily remedied by walking up to attractive people, getting rejected a bunch, and getting accepted some times. It doesn’t necessarily have to be that one scenario, but overall forever alone people are hesitant to take risks in some aspect of dating. If you’re struggling with being forever alone, here is something positive I like to associate with it. You’re probably one of those people who is waiting for a good relationship before making an emotional investment. Even if your body and mind are being tortured by sexual urges and you call a prostitute (highly wouldn’t recommend that), then even in that scenario you’re not willing to take emotional risks with your relationships. You’re pretty hesitant to just walk up to someone and profess your innermost attraction because that’s a relatively risky behavior that often times won’t pay off, but has high reward when it does. In light of that, you’re basically a careful gambler who will only go all in when the time is right. So think of it as waiting for the right moment rather than being lonely and uninvited to the party. Plenty of people out there are dating, taking risks, and not reaping the rewards. In some ways you’re saving yourself from a different kind of pain in order to wait for the right moment on your terms.
Facing The Judgement
Being a college student, I recognize the severe judgement/ostracization that people who are outside the dating circle can feel. I’ve heard people tell others to “lose their virginity already” or “stop being such a prude” among other things. At the end of the day, dating is a very personal decision and whether you like it or not, conscious and subconscious actions are forming your final decisions on the matter. It’s not the kind of decision someone else can make for you, regardless of their authority with respect to you. So no one is your authority on this matter besides you. If you really desire to enter the dating scene, do so without simply reacting to the judgement you face. That can be a bitter disappointment since you can face some pretty negative consequences in light of the fact that you took actions that weren’t really motivated by your own desires. At the same time I cannot stress enough that there is nothing wrong with being “forever alone” because who really is forever alone? Maybe there are some people (who I don’t know of) who have never had a single romantic experience in their lives. But statistically if you desire a romantic situation you will probably get a suitable one eventually. Patience really is a virtue here and anyone who feels forever alone has already displayed tremendous patience in waiting for the right romantic opportunity. That is a gift in some respects because not everyone is capable of waiting, but you are. With that being said accept yourself for who you are before you look to move forward. Being forever alone may cause you some suffering now that will pay off in the long run.
Sometimes people tend to forget the flip side of their perspective. I find that definitely to be the case with some who feel forever alone. Mainly because the desire for romantic or sexual stimulation isn’t coupled with all the risks that pair with the rewards. I find that most people who are feeling forever alone don’t want to face that kind of risk and in my personal struggles with the feeling I have tackled it by simply accepting that I dislike risky behavior that could harm me in ways I’m not willing to accept. I’m sure everyone’s experience is different and I’m incapable of fully encompassing a term like “forever alone” that is in itself hard to describe. I simply hope that if there are any of you out there right now who are suffering from the feeling, my words can help ease the negativity a bit. I’d like to say there’s nothing wrong with being the forever alone person. There are extremely high odds it won’t last and there’s nothing wrong with being the patient type. It’s as much of a gift as being a talented flirt. Don’t forget that.
The featured image is a plant I spotted on the way out of the cafeteria. It was the very start of Spring and this lonely plant wasn’t ready to bloom yet. If you walk by it on a day like today, you’ll see the vivid purples and greens. It’s just a matter of timing and patience to spot that plant on a good day.